My diet was going really well until I woke up.
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Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.