I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
You Might Also Like
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.