Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
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“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.