No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
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Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
When you “pspspsp” too hard
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three