Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
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Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
No, he would not have.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.