I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
You Might Also Like
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.