[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
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if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…