Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
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(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Me: Don鈥檛 you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn鈥檛 looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that鈥檚 so weird.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Instead of asking my kid if she鈥檚 brushed her hair, I ask if she鈥檚 cured cancer. I figure if I鈥檓 gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…馃悎馃悎
#TuesdayMotivaton
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can鈥檛 be serious.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 馃檨
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don鈥檛 you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
If you鈥檇 like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
#oldknees
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Dear Diary, someone鈥檚 sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 馃檹