911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
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I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”