Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
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I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.