SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
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* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Always a metermaid never a meter
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
i meant to share this earlier
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.