When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
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Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.