Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
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Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
If only.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
According to math, I’m broke