If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
You Might Also Like
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.