No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
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One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Cats (2019)
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
I support this random dude and all his protests
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.