I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
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angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.