Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
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if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay