Whatβs with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.πππ
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DATE: Letβs go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I donβt have a place. I’m homeless.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Dance like your kid isnβt secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
*harry walks into snapeβs office*
βWhat is it Potter?β
*closes and locks door*
βI miss youβ
βHarryβ¦β
*puts finger on snapeβs lips*
βShhhhhβ
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Saw a woman on a dating site who says sheβs looking for God. Iβm thinking sheβs not His type.
Sunday
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reeseβs
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. rβ
WILL SMITH: Fine
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: βokβ
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.