My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
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Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
A drum solo but on your face.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
March 16
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?