Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
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Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
I’m tired tomorrow.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
#gardening
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
“you recording!?”
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
2022 will be better than 2021
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
dutch so unserious
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way