My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
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Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Breaking news:
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”