I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
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Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
This classic never gets old . . .
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms