In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
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*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
My dad is at it again
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Wait a minute
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️