Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
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Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.