My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
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My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
My last name is Zilla.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
they really do be looking like this
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.