Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
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Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
How I’d get arrested…
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.