Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
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Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Sex so good you see dead people.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
i wish we could shoplift online
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.