Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
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If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.