Shoo shoo! 😂
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Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
There is no “we” in pizza
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
It was worth a shot 😂
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*