Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
You Might Also Like
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.