Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
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“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.