FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
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Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
what could possibly go wrong?
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]