Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
You Might Also Like
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.