“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
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Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Time heals everything 🙂
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.