The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
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I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Brother?
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.