4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
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[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
so, is there a mister shapen head
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
@funTweeters
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same