Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
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Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
early stone age tool
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent