i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
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The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
President The Rock Obama
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end