New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
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I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.