I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
You Might Also Like
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
rise and shine we got egg
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee