Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
You Might Also Like
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.