“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
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In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
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hooray it’s herpes
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depression for dummies
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒