this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
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Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no