Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
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accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Morning.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.