Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
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[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
welp
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.