CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
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Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
This guy gets it.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
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Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
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If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
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Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
some things should go without saying
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You can’t have both.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
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Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas