When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
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I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese