[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
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90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Last-minute gift idea!
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time