Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
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Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)