if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
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If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!